HOLY SIDELINER, BATMAN!!

Wow! I never thought it could happen to me. There I was back on track from “used to be” to “be” when WAMM, BAMM, ZAP … I get the news.

My gi was finally loosing the smell of mothballs and I was getting back in some kind of shape both physically and mentally by returning to the dojo. However, the persistent itiotibial (IT) band and hip flexor muscle aches were not getting better after a year of doctor visits, physical therapy and massages. A new sports medicine doctor made the discovery through his x-ray eyes that yours truly, mister physically fit, backpacking martial artist has osteoarthritis of the hips. It took a quick glance to determine that the pain I experienced were caused by this “degenerative disease”. Even my untrained eye could see the compressed cartilage and the compensating bone spurs as he pointed to the illuminated film. It showed the varying tones of gray bone, but I only saw one huge red stop sign.

“Degenerative disease?” hhhmm …. Each of those words alone is daunting enough but together they were deeply devastating in so many ways. First of all, I have never had a disease before. Colds, flu, strep throat and pink eye were the extent of my medical afflictions. Most of my conditions were self-inflicted by overdoing what ever I did evidenced by sprains, bruises and muscle pulls. However, I never broke anything except when my first love, Suzie Schmidt, broke my heart in high school, but I digress.

Couple “disease” with “degenerative” and just crash my dream of trekking the foothills of the Himalayas against the rocks of despair. I didn’t even need to consult WebMD or my friend, Webster, to know what “degenerative” means …. incurable, terminal and progressively getting worse. The visions of competitive sparing again, bagging the Grand Teton or running a marathon were replaced with staggered stepping in a walker with lime green tennis balls on its rear legs or speeding along in a shopping mall on a mobility scooter! This is not what I ever envisioned at age 53.

The problem with this whole shock-to-the-system event, is realizing that I am no longer immortal. I was just a “use to be” for goodness sake and with a little effort, I knew I could be a “be” again. I did it many times before and I certainly could do it again. Why not now? I got the answer I didn’t see coming.

The other realization, and perhaps a classic “I told you so” moment, was that my past actions brought on my own downfall. Simple cause and effect. My years of intense training and doing what I love may now be the reason why I can no longer. Would I have given up the feeling of flying during a run or bowing to the raising sun in gratitude for a perfect kata or the fulfillment of an all out workout when every inch of my cloths were soaked? Probably not. Toned down? Probably.

It gets one thinking though. I guess I am working through the steps of grief that will eventually lead to acceptance. In a real sense, it is coming to grips with a loss … the loss of my identity ….. who I am or thought I was.

Stay tuned … SAME BAT TIME AND SAME BAT CHANNEL.

There is a short path to “has been”.

There is a short path to “has been”, laced with regret, guilt and feeling of failure.

Such feelings intensify by holding on to those “used to be” dreams and remembering how great it was to be a “be”. But how can you not remember the times when you were on top of the world, heard the crowds cheering, basked by the looks of admiration? Can you ever?

There is really no elapsed time that takes one from “used to be” to “has been” … within reason of course. It is more of a state of mind and realistic longing to return to the gleaming place once held and labored so hard to reach. To be a "be", one mastered the art of “not giving up”, but for a number of reasons, has done just that.

Being on the brink of “has been” is deeply painful ….. desperately gripping the edge as not to fall and complete the journey down.

This is a time to make a choice. You can do one of four things.

First….”Languish in the Past”. As Webster defines “Languish …. 1. a.) To be or become feeble, weak, or enervated (oh my God … another word to look up!), b.) to be in or live in a state of depression or decreasing vitality, 2. a.) To become dispirited. b.) To suffer neglect 3.) to assume an expression of grief or emotion appealing for sympathy. This is not the best option for obvious reasons. The image of a car spinning it’s wheels in the mud ….. messy and going no where. The other image is that cauliflowered ear prizefighter leathered and punch drunk, earning his next drink by reliving his moments of glory in the ring. What comes of this but pity, shame and tired tales that eventually no one wants to hear. The free drinks stop coming.

Second is to “Savor the Past” and look at it fondly. You recognize what it is and all it was. You know in your heart of hearts that you did good, achieved a great deal and will not be going back in mind, body and spirit. When you are reminded of your time as a “be” by some “wanna be”, you will have that knowing smile and say to yourself … “yup, I was there once.” You are at peace.

Third is to “Get back on the Horse”. Seemingly an easy choice but in reality requires more then sporting a cowboy hat and strapping on chaps. Speaking from experience (not by putting on chaps, mind you) but putting on my karate gi after it has been hibernating in a gear bag deep inside my closet for five years. I almost forgot how to wrap it on and tie my belt in a respectable knot. The gi was minor compared to bowing in to the dojo for the first time after so many years. Just like standing on the edge of an open door on a plane, skydiving for the first time.

Fourth is to “Find Another” …… mountain to climb, a language to learn, a second career, a new business, etc.. In other words, recognizing that you don’t want to become that same “be” again but willing to take a new leap as a different “wanna be”. You understand you don’t want to go back but you want to move in a different, exciting direction. The cycle begins!! State of "Be"ing Cycle Diagram

Enervate: 1.) To lessen the vitality or strength of, 2.) to reduce the moral and mental vigor.

Sidelined and now a "Use To Be"

Achieving my Shodan was a bittersweet moment and perfect example of the classic Chinese definition of duality, "ying yang". In Japanese, it is "in yo" and in Korean it is "um yang". No matter how you spin the chop stick, you can not experience true joy unless you have experience true sorrow and, conversely, you can not be truly sorrowful unless you have experience true joy. Just the week after I was awarded the Shodan and days shy of my 46th birthday, my job was eliminated. I was “Side lined" and it instantaneously made me a "Use to be". It took the wind out of me more then a front kick to the stomach. The effects of a kick lasts a few minutes but this was a vacuum that had much more serious implications. It crushed my ego and filled my world with fear. Things like mortgage and utility bills had new meaning.

What I did discover as result was that my work life was not going as well as my life as a martial artist. Talk about one of life's lessons!!! There were many that I relived over and over to this day.

After many years of humiliation and regret, I realized that receiving the honor of a black belt was far and above more grand and meaningful then struggling with an unfulfilling job.

It was getting more and more difficult to continue the intensity of the training. My priority changed to the basic of all Maslow’s hierarchy … food and shelter. My job search was the next “be” that had to be. There was no choice.

Now I truly was a bona fide “used to be” as both an employed person and a martial artist.

Silver lining time ........ Thankfully after 4 months of searching, I finally landed. That landing led to several years of earning different kinds of belts … those earned by 10 to 12 hour days and 6 days a week. Doing what it took to do well, be respected and stay employed. This left time for little else, especially my training. My moments with my family were less, but they gratefully understood. At that time, nothing beat meeting my mortgage payment!

After my job settled down somewhat and my suits no longer fit, I slowly tried to get in shape. I worked my katas and basic karate moves. This kept me going and maintaining, even at the bare minimum, my skills. If I couldn’t pass the Black belt test, I at least knew what it would take and I wasn’t so far off. I even dabbled in other martial arts styles … aikido and tai chi to keep me involved in the art. I kept reading related books and even self taught the use of some weapons such as a bokkan, jo and katana (aka Samurai sword). All to keep one toe in the martial arts water hoping to dive back with my full body..... to become a somebody once more.

“Used to be’s” can come back. They often do…..then again …. they often do not.

Finally a "Be"!!

After several years of study and several belt tests, I was slowly and deliberately moving to become a “be” .. the third stage of the cycle. I worked up the rainbow ladder of belts … White through Brown. The next rung in the dojo pecking order was the mystical, illusive Black belt. It’s siren called to me. It became louder as I progressed calling me, tempting me, challenging me. Through the array of sprains, bruised ribs and broken toes, I felt I was earning my chance through literal blood, sweat and tears…manly tears of course.

The second Black belt test was the charm. Each test preceded with six months of hard training, 6 days a week, 2 to 3 hours a day. Soon after, I received notice that I achieved my Shodan, first degree black belt . I was so thankful and proud. Sensai announced it at class and all the students applauded. At least in my own mind I heard the crowd roar. It felt good and I knew in my heart that it was not given to me. I earned the right to wear that crisp new black belt. My family was proud and I was proud. It felt good, beyond good, to actually achieve a dream … at long last. Even a friend down the block gave me a card affirming that the neighborhood was much safer now. Indeed it was.

The swagger immediately followed. Bowing into the dojo and walking though the ranks of the lower belts meant something. Being bowed to was not just a thrill and boost to the ego. It was recognition of a long awaited and hard fought achievement. Every student knew it because they were going through the same journey and had the same “wanna be” dream.

It was so very gratifying to achieve this goal. For once in my life, I was a “be”!! It took me a long time, a lot of effort and much sacrifice. It was all worth it. I joined an elite corp. I was a “be”. I was a somebody, Charlie!

"Could Be"

Without a doubt, I was obsessed. After all, one must be to make the journey from “wanna be” to “could be”, the second stage of the cycle. One or two classes during the week and practicing non-stop. Add some running and weight lifting and I was a “very dangerous poison”…. as Mick said to Rocky. I got into the best shape ever. Dropped the weight, lost the body fat (actually saved it for later in my closet!) and picked up some ego along the way. I was a “could be”!

Being a real martial artist, a karateka, was now more then ever in the realm of possibilities. I have never been in this space before. It was almost unthinkable, unimaginable, but there I was. I could taste it. I always missed the brass ring by just …. that much. I never made that big play in High School football. I never won a raffle. You can not respectfully count the electric can opener I won in second grade at a St Barnabas Grade school Christmas fair. Exciting as that was, it didn’t compare to where I was now.

I was on the brink of greatness. The world was my oyster and I was ready!

State of "Be"ing Cycle Definitions

Wanna Be:
A strong desire to attain stature and/or eminence in a specific field of endeavor.

Should Have Been:
The potential was apparent and the desire was strong enough to “Wanna Be” but no action was taken to begin the cycle. Leads to frustration, disappointment and lost opportunities. The state of lost dreams. When disabling events or the simple passage of time prevents a person from ever trying to be something. To live is a “wishful” world without any attempt to enter the cycle and without any possibility of achievement is perhaps the worst fate of all.

Could Be:
To be actively engaged in achieving what is desired. A certain degree of competencies have been obtained and you realistically can expect to “Be” what you once only dreamed of becoming.

Sideliner:
Any number of personal, physical, emotional or professional factors that prevents or interrupts attainment of “Be” status.

Could have been:
“Sidelined” along the way of achievement. “Be” status can still be achieved by overcoming the obstacle.

Be:
Attainment of what was desired. Actively involved in maintaining and enhancing that level of achievement.
• “Being” does not always mean a practitioner
• “Being” is still maintained and enhanced as a teacher, thought leader and as a creative.

Used to Be:
Due to a “Sideliner”, no longer actively engaged in maintaining the stature you once attained. However, a high degree of competency exists that would enable a return to “Be” with some effort. That competency erodes over time and the length of time on the sidelines determines the ability to return to “Be” status.

Has Been:
A significant time as a “Used to Be” has resulted in a loss of competencies necessary to regain “Be” status. Will require extensive effort and desire to start the cycle again. One has to “Wanna Be” again.