Wow! I never thought it could happen to me. There I was back on track from “used to be” to “be” when WAMM, BAMM, ZAP … I get the news.
My gi was finally loosing the smell of mothballs and I was getting back in some kind of shape both physically and mentally by returning to the dojo. However, the persistent itiotibial (IT) band and hip flexor muscle aches were not getting better after a year of doctor visits, physical therapy and massages. A new sports medicine doctor made the discovery through his x-ray eyes that yours truly, mister physically fit, backpacking martial artist has osteoarthritis of the hips. It took a quick glance to determine that the pain I experienced were caused by this “degenerative disease”. Even my untrained eye could see the compressed cartilage and the compensating bone spurs as he pointed to the illuminated film. It showed the varying tones of gray bone, but I only saw one huge red stop sign.
“Degenerative disease?” hhhmm …. Each of those words alone is daunting enough but together they were deeply devastating in so many ways. First of all, I have never had a disease before. Colds, flu, strep throat and pink eye were the extent of my medical afflictions. Most of my conditions were self-inflicted by overdoing what ever I did evidenced by sprains, bruises and muscle pulls. However, I never broke anything except when my first love, Suzie Schmidt, broke my heart in high school, but I digress.
Couple “disease” with “degenerative” and just crash my dream of trekking the foothills of the Himalayas against the rocks of despair. I didn’t even need to consult WebMD or my friend, Webster, to know what “degenerative” means …. incurable, terminal and progressively getting worse. The visions of competitive sparing again, bagging the Grand Teton or running a marathon were replaced with staggered stepping in a walker with lime green tennis balls on its rear legs or speeding along in a shopping mall on a mobility scooter! This is not what I ever envisioned at age 53.
The problem with this whole shock-to-the-system event, is realizing that I am no longer immortal. I was just a “use to be” for goodness sake and with a little effort, I knew I could be a “be” again. I did it many times before and I certainly could do it again. Why not now? I got the answer I didn’t see coming.
The other realization, and perhaps a classic “I told you so” moment, was that my past actions brought on my own downfall. Simple cause and effect. My years of intense training and doing what I love may now be the reason why I can no longer. Would I have given up the feeling of flying during a run or bowing to the raising sun in gratitude for a perfect kata or the fulfillment of an all out workout when every inch of my cloths were soaked? Probably not. Toned down? Probably.
It gets one thinking though. I guess I am working through the steps of grief that will eventually lead to acceptance. In a real sense, it is coming to grips with a loss … the loss of my identity ….. who I am or thought I was.
Stay tuned … SAME BAT TIME AND SAME BAT CHANNEL.
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